Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Husbands and Sex...what are they thinking?
I am a newlywed and getting used to this whole marriage thing. It's so different than I thought. I am constantly having to think of and put someone other than myself first. We both are learning a lot! One thing we are struggling with is SEX!! Oh my gosh. We had sex before we were married (I know, I know) but then stopped and didn't for a little over a year before we got married. When you're dating sex is just sex but when you're married it means something. It's hard for me to want to have sex because I really don't enjoy it--It doesn't feel that good, I constantly have this burning urge to pee the whole time, the big O...almost impossible, it just seems like a hassle! (Does anyone else feel like this?!?) I just don't feel comfortable with trying new positions or "toys" or anything like that. It's just weird to me! I thought it would be better after marriage but it's not :( My husband obviously doesn't understand, what guy does? He also doesn't even try to make it better or try to get me to enjoy it more. Why can't guys be romantic? I told him he needs to buy candles and music and things like that and his exact words were "you want me to buy candles? None of my other friends have to do stuff like this." WHAT??? So why should I want to have sex, again? I know the Bible says this is our wifely duty, but why should I have to do something I don't like and he won't even try to make it enjoyable? It's all about him. He asks almost every day and usually I turn him down with some excuse b/c I really do dread it. Plain and simple I just don't enjoy it. I really hope this gets better; I want to have kids, and I can't imagine feeling like this 30 years from now. I don't know how to be comfortable with trying new things that could maybe make it all a little better. I also wonder why doesn't he try to make it enjoyable? He knows how I feel, yet he doesn't try! It's frustrating. Does anyone else have this problem either with themselves or their husbands...or both??
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13 comments:
My heart aches for you. I truly wish you could experience sex as something magical and special between two people that truly love each other. My husband and I visited a church back in the Fall when they were doing a series about sex. You may remember it being on the news, but the pastor challenged all married couples to have sex for 7 straight days. He challenged us to get past the "barriers" in life that keep us from being intimate with our spouses. It was difficult, I'm not going to lie. He said he and his wife are on total different schedules. One wants it when the other doesn't. Nonetheless, it is important to have a sexual relationship and enjoy it. He challenged us to stop saying "no" and if you don't feel like doing it that night, then say no with an appointment for another time. Sounds cheesy, but seriously. Husbands don't like to be turned down (neither do I for that matter). And, they shouldn't be. Sex is good!!
I hope you are able to break out of the box. Find something that works for both of you. It is truly an instrumental part of any good marriage. Worship each other... the passion that comes from that will be unreal :)
I wish I had words of wisdom-but I don't...I have been married almost 7 years and this month will make 7 months of no sex for us. I started out like you-then the day to day stress of life-then some major things happened in our family-and he works away with is job, so that makes it hard too. Here we are 7 months later-trying to rekindle something-and it is hard. I am self conscience about my body. I think he is too. I have a horrible time having the "big O"-wont go into detail there but it is harder for me than most-let's put it this way, I am not a vaginal o'er...ya gotta work at it! Hang in there-you aren't alone.
This is a guys opinion.....Don't be afraid to try new positions or even use "toys". Those things can make it much more enjoyable and also add spice to the relationship. You may find that both of you actually enjoy trying new things. I bet if you tried something different he may change his tune when it comes to romancing you every once in a while. I can tell you that almost every guy hates to do the romance thing because it requires extra effort and we don't want to do that, so expecting that every time is pretty much out of the question. Women require more foreplay to make sex enjoyable, but you have to remember a guy is programmed to go straight to "home base" as fast as possible. The way that guys and girls are made are the total opposite when it comes to sex. It is going to be give and take on both ends...having sex sometimes when you don't want, and the guy attempting to be romantic when he doesn't want to. Good luck!
Love it! Glad someone finally said it. You are not alone at all. I am so sick and tired of being asked to have sex, when my husband has no intention to make it good for me. I am just not interested in that at all. My body does not work that way. I guess as a wife we are supposed to do it, but they don't understand that it would be much better for them too if they took the time to make it good for us. Hell, a candle only cost a few dollars, I don't know what the problem is. I just think they get selfish and lazy when it comes to sex. (some of them, but not all of them) I agree with the man comment, sometimes you have to do it but I do think that a husband should care to make it enjoyable for the wife.
Someone really needs to write an entry on the big O. That is a struggle for so many, and it is about time we all get some help. So those of you that are having amazing sex, bring it on. Don't be shy, please, we need your help.
Whoever wrote the thing about 7 days of sex just read my mind! I heard that Ed Young, a famous pastor did that with his church. (not sure if it is the same on you had) But I was just thinking this past week that we should all try that. Why not! It could work! LOL. Anything is worth a shot...to help everyones marriage! 7 days is alot though. Lets think about this!
I too participated in the 7 day sex challenge given by Ed Young. Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. But through the experience, you learn a lot about your spouse. It is hard. It seems that my husband and I are never on the same schedule. Sometimes I actually feel like I want to have sex more than him. Before marriage making out and messing around wasn't an issue. We both wanted it all the time. But now that we have been married a few years, things are different. Sex is definitely a difficult issue, but God made it for a husband and a wife so they can be one and make each other happy in that way. Husbands and wives are the only ones, or should be the only ones who can fulfill that desire for the other. I always just try to put my husband first. It is easier for him to, as I say, GO when having sex. I have to definitely work to GO myself. But, he is patient and does what I need to go. I guess all I am trying to say is that sex takes work and understanding. Communication is very important and my husband and I have had several conversations about sex. It isn't easy, but definitely necessary. I have definitely learned how INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT communication in marriage is.
perhaps i should try the 7 day sex challenge after no sex for 7 months. my body will not know what hit it!
Well from my experience with my husband we try different positions, toys, etc. No we don't get to freaky but it helps alot. When he sees that I am into trying things to make me get the big O he is onboard to try to help me get just as satisfied as he gets. And yes it does take longer for the woman. Many many years of experience will tell you that.
I wonder if i can get any info online about 7 day sex thing. I would be willing to learn and try it on my own! Although going to the seminar would be nicer! Now the hard part..the husband!! Thanks for the advice. Hope we can make some progress!
I have often found that even though when my hubby approaches me for sex I'm not usually in the mood for it, once we've gotten started, I'm just as much into it as he is. It's a time for us to reconnect in our busy lives. We, too, had sex before marriage, and I think that because of that broken covenant with God, sex was a challenge for the first few years of our marriage. Once we asked for God's forgiveness and asked Him to heal that area of our marriage...to make it what He intended for it to be, it's only been getting better and better! And NEVER be afraid to try new things...you'll probably be pleasantly surprised!
My husband and I didn't have sex before we were married and I think that affected me a lot. I was brought up my whole life to hide my sexual desires, then was supposed to "flip the switch" and be sexual on my wedding night. Not easy!
I recently told my husband that I need to have an emotional connection before I can have a physical connection. He works late and wants sex when he gets home, but I am more of an afternooner and am too tired at night. We make it a point to have sex ANY afternoon/early evening we get a chance b/c I am more likely to enjoy it.
Sometimes I have sex when I am not in the mood because I want to satisfy him. He feels guilty if I don't orgasm, but I am happy to help if he can be satisfied.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me, but I never want him to search for something he is not getting at home. I would much rather have sex with him when I'm not in the mood than for him to lust after some other woman (not every single day like he would prefer, but enough to keep it up). I sometimes pray for a deep desire to have sex with my husband, even while we're doin' it - and it usually helps!
I understand that sex hurting can make it extremely difficult to want it, and all I can say is try lube. Sometimes our bodies just don't do what they're supposed to as quickly as we would like and we need a little help. Make sure you don't use the warming kind if you don't like the burning feeling. Also, make sure to pee afterwards and clean yourself very well! I got several bladder infections when I first got married b/c I wasn't urinating afterwards. Very important!
Hope this helps!
Communication is key in marriage - to sex and daily life. If you don't tell him how things feel (good or bad) he has no clue. Honestly, my husband didn't realize that I was not receiving as much pleasure as he thought until I told him. If I continued to act like it was fine and didn't tell him, it was my fault for not letting him know. We try to communicate about how things feel during and after, so he and I know where it feels best for both of us. You have to work together.
I am shocked that no one has addressed the above post who hasn't had sex in 7 months. Honey I wish I had more suggestions for you to help get things started again. Have you tried counseling? What exactly do you do to help the situation or are you just ignoring it? Let's help this girl out...if you are ready are you nervous to do it again?
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